One Year Anniversary

It's been a doozie of a month--almost too much to process. The sixth marked one year since the stroke. I'm wracked with conflicting emotions: so much anger and bitterness with people who are so wrapped up in their own trials, and the feeling "wanna switch???," intense gratitude for how much I've regained, and horrible survivor's guilt. Some days the emotions are too equally divided and I don't know if I can handle it anymore. Apparently the first anniversary is the worst--I really hope so. I seem to be having a flashback to the anger stage of grieving. At the same time, though, I've been on my online stroke support forum quite frequently, which has made me aware of how lightly I got off in the long run, and what a miracle my recovery really has been--and not in the hyperbole sense. Of course, that triggers the survivor's guilt, and I feel so selfish for my anger. I realize that it's probably part of PTSD, but the guilt is a viscous cycle--I feel guilty for feeling traumatized, then that guilt triggers more depression, which makes me feel more angry/traumatized...

I'm ready for the stage of grieving where you start to feel positive about the future! Some days I feel like I'm getting there, but today is NOT one of those days...

I think that I'm going to write an entry once a week. I'm hoping that might help me work through the emotions a little better. If that doesn't work, I'm going to have to suck it up and start therapy.

Fractured ankle & working out

So four weeks ago I tripped and fell over a container... I thought it was a moderate sprain, so I didn't go to the doctor until a week later, when my mom insisted. Turns out she was right, so with three chip fractures and a torn ligament, I'm in a walking boot. Three weeks down--I can't take staying off it much longer.


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Last of retirement

I don't have much to say. I just transfered the last of my retirent account into my checking account--it seems like it should be momentous, and I just had to put in writing somewhere. After paying my credit cards and Ella's last training bill there isn't going to be much left. Here's hoping that the Welfare kicks in before June--just those couple of months until Disability kicks in ...unless I get denied, then the two to three years in appeals :-( But I'm not going to stress about it! It will work out somehow :-) I think I'm finally getting to the more positive stages of grieving! Yay :-)


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Injured ankle

Well I finally injured myself from the results of the stroke. With my lousy balance I tripped over a storage bin. My ankle swelled up and was really painful, so my parents had to come get me up. I iced it, wrapped it, assumed it was just a moderate sprain. Finally, after a week, it was much less painful, but it was still quite swollen and very bruised, so my mom insisted that I go to the doctor. Good thing she did! I had several chip fractures and a torn ligament. So now I'm stuck in a walking boot for four weeks and I have reverted back to using the walker :-( It's annoying because it has put PT on hold.

Reminicing

I've been really bad at keeping this up lately. Things have been a bit crazy--I got bitten in the face by my dog (my fault) and had to have plastic surgery on my lip :-(

Something lately has made me very reminicent about my early recovery. Perhaps it is because I sprained my ankle a few days ago, so being confined to a
chair has given me ample time to muse.

I also ended therapy last week because my insurance coverage for PT ran out. I guess, in a way, conveniently my money has just about run out--I am waiting for Job and Family Services to respond with my interview date, since I will be easily down to their $1500 asset limit. That means Medicade, food stamps, and Welfare. That in itself rankles--it really gets under my skin that I have to go on government aide! Disability isn't so irksome because I'll probably get out of it nearly what I've paid into it.

However, that been a nightmare, too! I applied online I think in january, but I just mailed in my signed medical releases. So I get a call from a lady at the local office, who says they have no record that I filed a claim. She was horribly condescending and seemed to think I was an idiot, although she seemed like the one not listening! She told me I would have to reapply, but when I tried, the system wouldn't let me because it said I'd filed a claim! Anyway, to sum up, a few days later I received a letter confirming the receipt of my claim and telling me it would be 3-4 more months before I'd receive a descision. Can we say idiots at the local office!!!!

On a more positive note, my dad and I have almost finished putting a workout area in my garage, so I can do my own PT!

I can't WAIT for this ankle to heal-- it's been a real setback! I'm having to use the walker, and I'm feeling useless!

All things considered, though, I'm feeling very aware of how far I've come :-)

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Silver lining

I keep trying to find the silver lining of the stroke, but I have become more self centered than ever. I am completely flummoxed by the realization that other peoples' lives have gone on, whereas mine feels like it's ground to a halt.


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Stages of Grief

I realized that I'm going through the stages of grief for my old self and life. I finally left anger behind for depression. Next is the upward turn--I can't wait! Although, I kind of want the anger back; at least it was substance.


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