Rage

I AM NOT FAKING. I AM NOT EXAGGERATING. I AM NOT MILKING IT. That's the frigging attitude that made this so bad. If I didn't tell myself I was just whining and imagining something wrong, it would have been a minor stroke because it could have been stopped before the paralysis. The stoke took about 24 hours. I debated calling 911 several times, but instead I mocked myself for being weak.

And if one more tells me I was lucky, I'm going to snap. Dying would have been easy—living is the hell. I do realize how lucky I was. But it just doesn't feel that way. So you telling me I should be grateful is really crap. It's perspective. So when you have your life ripped out from underneath you, we can talk. It could have been much worse. But it also could have been much better. No 31 yr old in their right mind would be full of gratitude if they lived but became a six year old all over again.

And sometimes my deficiencies JUST AREN'T FUNNY. They break something inside of me every time I'm aware of them. And when I have an emotional breakdown, I'm feeling the agony. Ignoring it DOES NOT help. I just want someone to care. I'm so tired.

Pushing me to "help" me be an better person is not a good idea now. If I say that I can't deal with something, I MEAN I CAN'T DEAL WITH IT. NOT I don't want to. And, yes, you can jump in and save my ass—leaving me to flounder IS NOT HELPING. When I say I am tired or emotional, that means I NEED TO STOP. If I say I need to leave, I don't mean soon—I mean NOW. I will have a meltdown, And if the meltdown is in public, it's A HUNDRED TIMES MORE DAMAGING. And another piece of my confidence is gone. THOSE PIECES DON'T COME BACK. I am an emotional mess and I will be for a long time. THAT'S NOT WEAKNESS. That's the bitch of what happened. So, yes, dying would have been the easier choice—just help me get through this choice. Sometimes the pain is just too much, and I regret the choice I made. I don't want to regret it.

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