Overwhelmed

Some days it's all just too much to handle. I'm not this strong. Some days I wonder why did I survive? I avoid thinking about the past and I will not plan for the future. This moment is all I can handle, at that not so well at the moment. It drives people crazy that I have no future plans; in the early spring, I had no idea what I wanted to do in the summer. I don't know how to explain—I know EXACTLY what I what to do, but it's rife with impossibility. If I think about it and the limitations, I will completely fall apart. I am so frustrated; I can't even keep up with life. Maybe I would be better in some kind of assisted living. My parents help, so it's not really living alone, but they have to maintain their own lives as well.   The thought of how dependent I rally am makes me want to throw up. I can only deal with it if I don't think about it, and some days the thoughts and memories cross my mind no matter how far I try to shove them back. I just so tired of trying to be strong. Of trying to wake up every day with a positive outlook. I love what I have in my life, but that doesn't lessen the awareness of and grief over what I lost. Is it worth it? I need to find out the process to write a living will. I never want to do this again. I'm glad I didn't have one then, but I'm terrified of not having one now.

I don't know what's up—I have these really depressed days every once in awhile, but this has been almost four days! I go for my psych eval for SSI/Disability on Friday—maybe the psychiatrist can help. Although, I think the focus is on being an evaluative session. Still, just talking about it will probably help.

I had dreams about doing stuff last night, too—that always leaves me feeling a little unbalanced. They're odd dreams, because the focus on something simple and short. Basically, they are me doing whatever it is that I'm having trouble doing in real life. For instance, last night I dreamed about mounting a horse. I guess it's subconscious visualization—in any case, it's kind of upsetting when I remember it in the morning, because it was so easy in the dream and it isn't in real life. Kind of like when I was bedridden and I would think I could just stand up.

I'm determined that today will be a better day.