Mood Swings

I hate the emotional lability. I've come to tentative terms with the rest but not that. Can I wear a frigging sign with "emotional lability" and the definition. Hello. Don't stoop to my level. I have almost no control!!! Yes, I friggin hate it!!!!! I was probably bipolar before--this isn't exactly helping!!! Seriously--no real control!!! Oh wait, that's how it's always been. I can't take much more "recuperation." I'm back to wishing that I just frigging let myself die that day--it would be horrible but short for my caregivers and friends. All the way around I'm just bad news--made everyone's life hell. Why didn't that occur to me all those hours I hung on...

Love/Hate Relationships or Caregivers

I had Occupational Therapy tonight. I stood alone with my dad spotting me and caught a ball bounced at me several times. I leaned over and caught a rolling ball twice. Oddly, catching the rolling ball got easier much faster; standing seemed much scarier and I was afraid to move.

Anyway, I waited too late to get ready. My mom said she would help me, but no such luck. My dad asked if I needed help and I said "No," so he left the room. Of course, I then needed help. My therapist was already there, so what would take five minutes took thirty alone. This made my lablity go wild, so I started crying and couldn't stop. My mom came in to tell me to hurry up and I snapped. After therapy we pretended that nothing happened. How can you be unbarably grateful to somone and they drive you crazy at the same time??? Like I don't feel guilty enough--yet irritated...

My ADD Tendancyies...

I'm probably going to skip around a bit...sorry. Today is a few days away from month four. I've advanced to the four-wheeled walker (two days ago) and I'm practicing with the four legged cane in the parallel bars. We got rid of the hospital bed at least two weeks ago and I started getting out and into bed and getting to the bathroom probably a week ago. I got rid of the PEG tube about a week ago--thank god, I think it had thrush--and that's almost healed up.

I still have a pierced nose but all my other piercings have closed up because we took my jewelry out for the MRIs and swallow studies. I have scars from my trach and the PEG, although the nurses say they are not bad.

Texas (1400 miles from my parents and two/three hours from the ex-boyfriend I moved there with)

I spent the entire day on the floor--needless to say praying to and bargaining with any power who would listen (I'm not religious). As my body was growing cold and I was just a few minutes from giving up (I was choking on my own saliva--so passing out was not an option), my landlord (more on that pleasant story later) eventually gave into the pleas of my parents and my ex-boyfriend and checked on me and ended up calling 911. I was life-flighted to a hospital in San Antonio, where I spent two and a half weeks and passed my thirtieth birthday as a paraplegic--honestly I don't remember much--I was pretty high on morphine for about two months. I do remember the nurses bringing a cake (really for my parents because I was on tube feed) and singing to me. I was also on a respirator.

Dealing

I'm four months out of a basal artery stroke due to a blood clot. I don't know how to deal, hence the blog. I apologize in advance for typing errors. Four days before I turned thirty, I left work early because my vision went wacky and I had severe neck pain. I went to a new chiropractor and had x-rays then went about my way. That night I felt awful, took Ibuprofen 800, woke up in the middle of the night, thought I couldn't move, had a seizure, called myself a hypochondriac, and went back to sleep. In the morning, I knew something was very wrong and I tried to get my cell phone to call 911 and knocked it behind the bed. When I tried to get it, I fell out of bed completely paralyzed on both sides and could only turn my head a limited amount with great effort due to extreme neck pain.