Monday, February 15, 2010
Sacrificing dreams
I went to visit my horse at the trainer. She told me I need to really decide if I want to keep putting money into her because she'll never be predictable and reliable. This brought up too many emotions because with my balance s it is now, I don't know if I'll ever ride again. I've been riding since I was eight. However, if you told me to get on a horse right now, I'd say "hell, no." I mean yesterday I almost got stuck in hotel restroom because I was TERRIFIED to let go of the wall. I mean flat out panic. I'm scared to go anywhere without a cart to hang on to. I just don't know what to do. Board and training will run me around $12,000. If I had endless cash flow, it wouldn't be a problem: I would just wait it out and see. Not knowing how I'm going to end up is so frustrating. I just wan to know. I feel like my ex screwed me over, and then I'm the one that got screwed by life; how was that fair? He had quite a few drinks a day, which triples the risk of stroke. But I'm the one struck down by fate. I used to believe in karmic fate; not so much anymore.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Facebook Statuses
Many of my milestones I only posted Facebook, but I realized they'd make more sense here, so I'm re-posting them:
Fri January 29, 2010, 2:02 pm: just took her first bath in 7 months! Sounds lame, but I'm so excited!!!
Wed January 27, 2010, 7:18 pm: Finally submitted my disability app....that only took a month to complete ;-)
Wed January 27, 2010, 6:22 am: When did waking up get soo hard?? I'm a human ping pong ball--thank goodness for walls!!!Tue January 19, 2010, 6:18 am: Must be productive today! Keeping fingers crossed that COBRA comes today, so I can go to therapy tomorrow...Fri January 15, 2010, 10:45 am: tripped over the rug last night and pulled about every muscle in my right shoulder/arm...grr...but being very productive today, anyway!Sun January 10, 2010, 4:38 pm: Still waiting for Cobra so I can go back to therapy.
Wed January 6, 2010, 12:24 am: is again flummoxed that her fatal flaw is pride. How i have any left after this is beyond me. Of course, I firmly believe that pride and stubborness are the only reasons I'm this far with recovery.
Tue January 5, 2010, 8:40 am: is determined to take back control of her life!
Tue December 29, 2009, 12:20 am: misses riding...but is a bit scared to get on a horse again...that dratted pride again...*sigh*...maybe come warmer weather...
Tue December 15, 2009, 9:41 am: Must finish Disability application--no matter how depressing it is...
Sun December 6, 2009, 6:08 pm: is amazed how easy it is to take physical abilities for granted--even knowing how easily the simplest things can be lost, I find myself taking for granted the things I wasn't able to do a month ago...
Fri December 4, 2009, 10:25 am: loves aquatic therapy!
Sat November 28, 2009, 1:01 pm: took Sly for a walk this morning! Just had to hang on to my dad when the neighborhood squirrels made an appearance...
Fri November 27, 2009, 8:48 pm: has decided that aquatic therapy is pretty awesome!
Wed November 25, 2009, 8:16 am: is off to aquatic therapy.
Tue November 24, 2009, 7:04 am: is off to her first session of outpatient physical rehab this morning--hopefully they are as wonderful as the people upstairs in PRC!
Mon November 23, 2009, 3:23 pm: is thankful to learn there is not much wrong with her...although, not pleased to learn that all of this happened because she took the "wrong" birth control pill for migraines...
Fri November 20, 2009, 1:21 pm: is thankful for parents who were such good advocates and refused to believe she was permanantly parayzed or should be put in a nursing home!--NEVER blindly follow what doctors say...I don't care how good they are!!!
Mon November 16, 2009, 5:32 pm: just discovered that a leeriness of heights has turned into a full-fledged fear of heights...
Sat November 14, 2009, 7:32 pm: has the dratted hiccups again--who knew strokes could cause hiccups?
Mon November 9, 2009, 1:12 pm: just read through the box of the cards I got in the hospital--it's kind of scary how many I had forgotten...
Fri November 6, 2009, 6:11 am: is off to the hemotologist and Ikea today!
Thu November 5, 2009, 8:10 am: For anyone who wants to know more about what it's like to survive a (brain stem) stroke or just wants to be inspired, I strongly recommend "Paralyzed but Not Powerless: Kate's Journey Revisited" by Kate Adamson.
Tue November 3, 2009, 4:00 pm: 20 minute on the treadmill...definitely naptime!
Mon November 2, 2009, 4:44 pm: is finished with home therapy--my evaluator was happy: said she'd never seen anyone make that fast of progress in 31 years (Still not fast enough!)
Mon November 2, 2009, 6:13 am: Today I have my last occupational therapy session...then, probably take a break before starting outpatient rehab.
Sun November 1, 2009, 1:31 pm: just did 10 minutes at 1.5 on the treadmill and is convinced she is going to keel over from exhaustion....this is sad!!!
Thu October 29, 2009, 10:03 am: is cleaning...which is annoying because it takes four times as long as it did before! Think I'll avoid making the bed, though...
Tue October 27, 2009, 12:01 pm: made it through Target with just the cart for support :-)
Tue October 27, 2009, 6:31 am: gets to have her blood drawn today--although, not too bad because I got to skip a week--the longest I've gone between blood draws in 5 months!
Sat October 24, 2009, 10:47 pm: made it the whole night--movies and all--with just the regular cane! Yay! About time, if you ask me ;-)
Fri October 23, 2009, 3:58 pm: for some reason has really lousy balance today!
Thu October 22, 2009, 2:29 pm: practiced walking independently down the yard today in occupational therapy.
Tue October 20, 2009, 4:51 pm: is going to scream--the littlest, dumbest things are difficult...who knew changing sheets could make me cry?
Tue October 20, 2009, 3:17 pm: used the regular cane for the first time, to go to the doctor's.
Sat October 17, 2009, 5:27 pm: is spending her first night alone in her new house, while her parents are at the lake.
Fri October 16, 2009, 6:58 am: Aaah, another day...avoided the walker yesterday, hopefully today...maybe i'll see how much of the yoga video i can manage--that should be humbling! Also, really, really need to mow...
Thu October 15, 2009, 8:06 am: has a headache...so much for the theory that the stroke cured my migraines :-(
Sun October 11, 2009, 8:02 pm: is practicing free walking at every opportunity--i kind of move like a wind up toy but i'm sooo happy to take even a few jerky steps with no assistance!
Sat October 10, 2009, 10:16 am: just walked across the living room with only a spotter and made her parents and herself cry :-)
Fri October 9, 2009, 10:17 pm: got back from the movies a little bit ago--her first foray into the "real" world...thanks Nikki, Jens, Jim for getting me out!
Thu October 8, 2009, 10:31 am: bounced a ball while standing alone--I was never very good at that before!--yoga today.
Mon October 5, 2009, 11:39 am: :oh yeah, and I walked with the four-legged cane today--not far, but I wasn't even sure about that! They say you regain the most during the first six months--with only two more months, I'm determined to cram it in! Lost a couple of months with that paralyzed crap!
Thu October 1, 2009, 9:50 am: thinks that emotional lability may be the most difficult result of the stroke...
Wed September 30, 2009, 8:26 am: --relearning how to do laundry sucks beyond anything!
Mon September 28, 2009, 1:37 pm: just finished her occupational therapy evaluation....think I'll have to nap for a week! Who knew getting on and off the floor was so difficult!
Tue September 22, 2009, 8:17 am: managed to get out of bed and in and out of the bathroom completely by herself! It wasn't quick or pretty but i managed!
Mon September 21, 2009, 9:39 pm: has progressed to the walker and can do A LOT more independently.
Thu September 17, 2009, 8:04 am: : no more tube!
Wed September 16, 2009, 7:59 pm: : stomach tube out tomorrow morning--not soon enough if you ask me!
Wed September 16, 2009, 10:51 am: is at the doctor again--oh joy.
Mon September 14, 2009, 6:38 am: is going to check out outpatient rehab this afternoon.
Fri September 11, 2009, 8:37 am: is sooo frustrated and tempted to give up.
Thu September 10, 2009, 3:04 pm: :1 week until they yank the stomach tube out! Although i think it might be getting infected--yucky.
Mon September 7, 2009, 6:41 am: guesses she has done in three months what the doctors said would take a year--it feels like forever!
Sun September 6, 2009, 6:31 pm: needs to rest. And i'm done with falling down- i'm getting phobic about the walker and my legs are getting sore.
Fri September 4, 2009, 10:35 am: is exhausted from doing crossovers and walking on her tiptoes. Am i learning how to walk or linedance?
Fri September 4, 2009, 7:17 am: is going to dinner tonight. Fingers crossed for an ounce of gracefulness. And no falling down today. I'm still sore from yesterday.
Wed September 2, 2009, 3:29 pm: Finally passed the damn swallow study. I can have liquids! With stipulations. But still!
Mon August 31, 2009, 8:01 pm: just discovered she can suddenly get in and out of bed with only a spotter--Ahhh the things i used to take for granted.
Sun August 30, 2009, 7:34 am: is so sick of being sick--can i wake up yet?
Fri August 28, 2009, 1:28 pm: is recovering from pt. It went awesome though. I'm finally able to stand from the wheelchair! Took long enough :-)
Thu August 27, 2009, 5:01 pm: has a swallow study scheduled next week. Wish her luck--this will be #4.
Wed August 26, 2009, 10:07 am: Walked 110 feet with parallel bars. Is it nap time?
Fri August 21, 2009, 12:22 pm: Is exhausted from practicing walking--i never knew it was so hard!
Mon August 3, 2009, 5:58 pm: had a stroke--for those who wondered.
Mon August 3, 2009, 5:54 pm: is relearning the computer. yay.
Fri June 5, 2009, 5:51 pm: hurts.
Fri June 5, 2009, 6:31 am: shouldn't have gotten out of bed :-(
Fri January 29, 2010, 2:02 pm: just took her first bath in 7 months! Sounds lame, but I'm so excited!!!
Wed January 27, 2010, 7:18 pm: Finally submitted my disability app....that only took a month to complete ;-)
Wed January 27, 2010, 6:22 am: When did waking up get soo hard?? I'm a human ping pong ball--thank goodness for walls!!!Tue January 19, 2010, 6:18 am: Must be productive today! Keeping fingers crossed that COBRA comes today, so I can go to therapy tomorrow...Fri January 15, 2010, 10:45 am: tripped over the rug last night and pulled about every muscle in my right shoulder/arm...grr...but being very productive today, anyway!Sun January 10, 2010, 4:38 pm: Still waiting for Cobra so I can go back to therapy.
Wed January 6, 2010, 12:24 am: is again flummoxed that her fatal flaw is pride. How i have any left after this is beyond me. Of course, I firmly believe that pride and stubborness are the only reasons I'm this far with recovery.
Tue January 5, 2010, 8:40 am: is determined to take back control of her life!
Tue December 29, 2009, 12:20 am: misses riding...but is a bit scared to get on a horse again...that dratted pride again...*sigh*...maybe come warmer weather...
Tue December 15, 2009, 9:41 am: Must finish Disability application--no matter how depressing it is...
Sun December 6, 2009, 6:08 pm: is amazed how easy it is to take physical abilities for granted--even knowing how easily the simplest things can be lost, I find myself taking for granted the things I wasn't able to do a month ago...
Fri December 4, 2009, 10:25 am: loves aquatic therapy!
Sat November 28, 2009, 1:01 pm: took Sly for a walk this morning! Just had to hang on to my dad when the neighborhood squirrels made an appearance...
Fri November 27, 2009, 8:48 pm: has decided that aquatic therapy is pretty awesome!
Wed November 25, 2009, 8:16 am: is off to aquatic therapy.
Tue November 24, 2009, 7:04 am: is off to her first session of outpatient physical rehab this morning--hopefully they are as wonderful as the people upstairs in PRC!
Mon November 23, 2009, 3:23 pm: is thankful to learn there is not much wrong with her...although, not pleased to learn that all of this happened because she took the "wrong" birth control pill for migraines...
Fri November 20, 2009, 1:21 pm: is thankful for parents who were such good advocates and refused to believe she was permanantly parayzed or should be put in a nursing home!--NEVER blindly follow what doctors say...I don't care how good they are!!!
Mon November 16, 2009, 5:32 pm: just discovered that a leeriness of heights has turned into a full-fledged fear of heights...
Sat November 14, 2009, 7:32 pm: has the dratted hiccups again--who knew strokes could cause hiccups?
Mon November 9, 2009, 1:12 pm: just read through the box of the cards I got in the hospital--it's kind of scary how many I had forgotten...
Fri November 6, 2009, 6:11 am: is off to the hemotologist and Ikea today!
Thu November 5, 2009, 8:10 am: For anyone who wants to know more about what it's like to survive a (brain stem) stroke or just wants to be inspired, I strongly recommend "Paralyzed but Not Powerless: Kate's Journey Revisited" by Kate Adamson.
Tue November 3, 2009, 4:00 pm: 20 minute on the treadmill...definitely naptime!
Mon November 2, 2009, 4:44 pm: is finished with home therapy--my evaluator was happy: said she'd never seen anyone make that fast of progress in 31 years (Still not fast enough!)
Mon November 2, 2009, 6:13 am: Today I have my last occupational therapy session...then, probably take a break before starting outpatient rehab.
Sun November 1, 2009, 1:31 pm: just did 10 minutes at 1.5 on the treadmill and is convinced she is going to keel over from exhaustion....this is sad!!!
Thu October 29, 2009, 10:03 am: is cleaning...which is annoying because it takes four times as long as it did before! Think I'll avoid making the bed, though...
Tue October 27, 2009, 12:01 pm: made it through Target with just the cart for support :-)
Tue October 27, 2009, 6:31 am: gets to have her blood drawn today--although, not too bad because I got to skip a week--the longest I've gone between blood draws in 5 months!
Sat October 24, 2009, 10:47 pm: made it the whole night--movies and all--with just the regular cane! Yay! About time, if you ask me ;-)
Fri October 23, 2009, 3:58 pm: for some reason has really lousy balance today!
Thu October 22, 2009, 2:29 pm: practiced walking independently down the yard today in occupational therapy.
Tue October 20, 2009, 4:51 pm: is going to scream--the littlest, dumbest things are difficult...who knew changing sheets could make me cry?
Tue October 20, 2009, 3:17 pm: used the regular cane for the first time, to go to the doctor's.
Sat October 17, 2009, 5:27 pm: is spending her first night alone in her new house, while her parents are at the lake.
Fri October 16, 2009, 6:58 am: Aaah, another day...avoided the walker yesterday, hopefully today...maybe i'll see how much of the yoga video i can manage--that should be humbling! Also, really, really need to mow...
Thu October 15, 2009, 8:06 am: has a headache...so much for the theory that the stroke cured my migraines :-(
Sun October 11, 2009, 8:02 pm: is practicing free walking at every opportunity--i kind of move like a wind up toy but i'm sooo happy to take even a few jerky steps with no assistance!
Sat October 10, 2009, 10:16 am: just walked across the living room with only a spotter and made her parents and herself cry :-)
Fri October 9, 2009, 10:17 pm: got back from the movies a little bit ago--her first foray into the "real" world...thanks Nikki, Jens, Jim for getting me out!
Thu October 8, 2009, 10:31 am: bounced a ball while standing alone--I was never very good at that before!--yoga today.
Mon October 5, 2009, 11:39 am: :oh yeah, and I walked with the four-legged cane today--not far, but I wasn't even sure about that! They say you regain the most during the first six months--with only two more months, I'm determined to cram it in! Lost a couple of months with that paralyzed crap!
Thu October 1, 2009, 9:50 am: thinks that emotional lability may be the most difficult result of the stroke...
Wed September 30, 2009, 8:26 am: --relearning how to do laundry sucks beyond anything!
Mon September 28, 2009, 1:37 pm: just finished her occupational therapy evaluation....think I'll have to nap for a week! Who knew getting on and off the floor was so difficult!
Tue September 22, 2009, 8:17 am: managed to get out of bed and in and out of the bathroom completely by herself! It wasn't quick or pretty but i managed!
Mon September 21, 2009, 9:39 pm: has progressed to the walker and can do A LOT more independently.
Thu September 17, 2009, 8:04 am: : no more tube!
Wed September 16, 2009, 7:59 pm: : stomach tube out tomorrow morning--not soon enough if you ask me!
Wed September 16, 2009, 10:51 am: is at the doctor again--oh joy.
Mon September 14, 2009, 6:38 am: is going to check out outpatient rehab this afternoon.
Fri September 11, 2009, 8:37 am: is sooo frustrated and tempted to give up.
Thu September 10, 2009, 3:04 pm: :1 week until they yank the stomach tube out! Although i think it might be getting infected--yucky.
Mon September 7, 2009, 6:41 am: guesses she has done in three months what the doctors said would take a year--it feels like forever!
Sun September 6, 2009, 6:31 pm: needs to rest. And i'm done with falling down- i'm getting phobic about the walker and my legs are getting sore.
Fri September 4, 2009, 10:35 am: is exhausted from doing crossovers and walking on her tiptoes. Am i learning how to walk or linedance?
Fri September 4, 2009, 7:17 am: is going to dinner tonight. Fingers crossed for an ounce of gracefulness. And no falling down today. I'm still sore from yesterday.
Wed September 2, 2009, 3:29 pm: Finally passed the damn swallow study. I can have liquids! With stipulations. But still!
Mon August 31, 2009, 8:01 pm: just discovered she can suddenly get in and out of bed with only a spotter--Ahhh the things i used to take for granted.
Sun August 30, 2009, 7:34 am: is so sick of being sick--can i wake up yet?
Fri August 28, 2009, 1:28 pm: is recovering from pt. It went awesome though. I'm finally able to stand from the wheelchair! Took long enough :-)
Thu August 27, 2009, 5:01 pm: has a swallow study scheduled next week. Wish her luck--this will be #4.
Wed August 26, 2009, 10:07 am: Walked 110 feet with parallel bars. Is it nap time?
Fri August 21, 2009, 12:22 pm: Is exhausted from practicing walking--i never knew it was so hard!
Mon August 3, 2009, 5:58 pm: had a stroke--for those who wondered.
Mon August 3, 2009, 5:54 pm: is relearning the computer. yay.
Fri June 5, 2009, 5:51 pm: hurts.
Fri June 5, 2009, 6:31 am: shouldn't have gotten out of bed :-(
Monday, February 1, 2010
Ramblings
I'm having a bad day--one of those days where I feel all alone and just want to cry. I thought these had passed--I haven't had one since my friend moved in. It's like a light switch--one minute I'm fine, the next I'm reading into everyone's actions and finding myself unwanted and worthless. I think it may have a lot to do with how inconsistent I've been about taking my pills lately.
I have so many chores I need to do, but I just can't seem to care. I've got to send off the disability medical releases. But at least I got the main application submitted. And I'm excited--I go back to PT next week, because my insurance has been sorted out. I go for my medicaide/welfare interview in a month and I started my taxes and found out I'll have the money to survive another month--thank god for my roommate paying utilities!
On a happier note, I took my first bath instead of shower about two days ago--and I've taken one every day since! I probably could have tried sooner but I was so unsure if I'd be able get back out! Of course, I decided to try this when my parents were out of town and my roommate was at work over an hour away. :-)
I have so many chores I need to do, but I just can't seem to care. I've got to send off the disability medical releases. But at least I got the main application submitted. And I'm excited--I go back to PT next week, because my insurance has been sorted out. I go for my medicaide/welfare interview in a month and I started my taxes and found out I'll have the money to survive another month--thank god for my roommate paying utilities!
On a happier note, I took my first bath instead of shower about two days ago--and I've taken one every day since! I probably could have tried sooner but I was so unsure if I'd be able get back out! Of course, I decided to try this when my parents were out of town and my roommate was at work over an hour away. :-)
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