Saying Goodbye

The third main drama of this month is actually tomorrow: I think I found someone to lease my horse and, if so, she’ll be leaving tomorrow. I know I’ve already vented about this, but I’m a wreck. I’m so relieved to find someone and get it resolved, but I’m so devastated by the reality. There is a part of me that sees it as the end of a dream and doesn’t believe that I’ll ever ride again. It won’t listen to logic, and I can’t seem to shove it out of my mind. I can’t even just brush her because my balance and response time is so bad. I love her but I have to send her away—otherwise it’s not fair to her and I flat-out can’t afford her. I just can’t bring myself to sell he, though—that would really be kissing riding goodbye. Riding has really been my life. For years, I dedicated myself to it, even since then it had been so integral and always part of my goals. I was willing to be patient; I got Ella as a yearling, four years ago, because I knew I could never afford a trained horse of her quality. I learned how to train horses and started a couple of horses because I dreamed of one day training a horse from the ground, up. How could fat be this cruel??? I always believed in karmic balance and that everything happens for a reason. I can even, sort of, most days cram the stroke into that philosophy—but this I just can’t see—four years of waiting and over ten years of preparation and I have the stroke the summer that I’m going to start riding her! If someone could just tell me for sure, “of course you’ll ride again,” I think I could stick it out…

Birthday (aka Anniversary: Number Two)

Part two of this delightful month was my thirty-first birthday. My last birthday ha me really freaked out about turning thirty. That got erased by my stroke four days before—so my birthday was mostly unconscious. I have a memory of nurses and friends singing and bringing a cake for my parents (I don’t think I had the feeding tube yet, but I couldn’t eat), but that’s brief and rather dreamlike. This birthday was MUCH better ;-) –I had dinner with my parents and got to see all of my friends who have really stuck with me. I even got to see my friend Amy, as a belated present, last weekend. I had such a wonderful time—she was my friend in Texas and visited me in the hospital constantly before I was moved to Toledo. It was nice to see people from my past (she was in Detroit for work, so I also saw a couple of other coworkers and my boss, briefly) that I had to give up so abruptly. It made me a little sad, because I miss that life, especially my job, but it really gave me a sense of closure that I wasn’t expecting. I’ve been grieving the loss and having it touch my present life made it more real and let me say goodbye. So, aside from some ridiculous friend drama, my birthday was really nice—another sort of stroke anniversary, but that one that was saved by the people I love.

One Year Anniversary

It's been a doozie of a month--almost too much to process. The sixth marked one year since the stroke. I'm wracked with conflicting emotions: so much anger and bitterness with people who are so wrapped up in their own trials, and the feeling "wanna switch???," intense gratitude for how much I've regained, and horrible survivor's guilt. Some days the emotions are too equally divided and I don't know if I can handle it anymore. Apparently the first anniversary is the worst--I really hope so. I seem to be having a flashback to the anger stage of grieving. At the same time, though, I've been on my online stroke support forum quite frequently, which has made me aware of how lightly I got off in the long run, and what a miracle my recovery really has been--and not in the hyperbole sense. Of course, that triggers the survivor's guilt, and I feel so selfish for my anger. I realize that it's probably part of PTSD, but the guilt is a viscous cycle--I feel guilty for feeling traumatized, then that guilt triggers more depression, which makes me feel more angry/traumatized...

I'm ready for the stage of grieving where you start to feel positive about the future! Some days I feel like I'm getting there, but today is NOT one of those days...

I think that I'm going to write an entry once a week. I'm hoping that might help me work through the emotions a little better. If that doesn't work, I'm going to have to suck it up and start therapy.