Misc

I'm behind on writing all my blogs, but this one most. Catching up: I've had some trouble maintaining my INR—I've shifted medicines, so the one week it went to 7.6, then two weeks later it was down to 1.8....It seems to be leveling out again, now. I also received another form from Disability—this one focused on  what I can and cannot do in my everyday life. The one question asked what I could do before the illness that I couldn't do now—I think we ended up with an entire page, but really, that could fill a book. The form was supposed to take half an hour to fill out—it took us five. Ugh. I have to go for a psychological eval Sept. 10th—the stroke left me with such bad social anxiety that I can't imagine trying to function in a workplace. Being in social situations wears me out, even if I don't have panic attacks—I don't have any energy to spare!

I've done a little more canning—I figured out why it works for me, even with all the fatigue: the hardest part about canning is really the prep and I tend to do most of that the day before I actually can. But I still feel like I've really accomplished something. I switched to ladling everything, so no lifting or pouring pans of hot liquid. ;-)

I've been having trouble lately dealing with the friend situation. I feel forgotten, with only a few people even remembering about me. Everyone else's lives have just gone on—I feel like I'm running in the dust of a car and waving my arms and the driver won't glance back. Then there are the people who would opt for running over me... It's self-pitying, I know—I'm not sure why it's bugging me so much and why I can't get over it. Maybe because I just found out that one of my friends that hasn't forgotten me, is getting married and moving to DC in a couple of months. Not sure. But memories, especially of failed, past relationships and friendships are haunting me...

Social Anxiety

It's interesting—as I mentioned previously, I ran out of one of my medications. It is BuSpar which makes my social anxiety somewhat livable. As in, it lets me grudgingly make phone calls and leave the house—I'm still prone to freaking out in groups, especially when I'm tired. I've missed a dose here or there and been able to tell, but this time I haven't had any since Sunday. Just when I begin to doubt the necessity of a medication, I discover how effective it is. I had to talk myself into even going out into my backyard and the thought of using the phone makes me nauseous. I've been taking Xanax to fall asleep at night because my mind won't shut up. I've been treated for some anxiety issues since I was twenty, but the stoke has taken something manageable and turned it into a HUGE issue. Even when I am on the BuSpar, I have to carry Xanax because I will suddenly freak out and start crying in public, especially if I'm tired. Even that only gives me a short grace period, so I need to leave asap. A store that's really big or crowded tends to end in misery; even if I don't freak out, I'm exhausted. Strokes really do a job on your chemicals. Of course, all my social paranoia's are more realistic now—that doesn't help. Don't even get me started on laughing when I'm mad!....Why are the emotional ramifications of stroke so widely unknown?

New Blog

I'm going to start a spin-off blog about returning to riding. That way I won't bore the non-horse people to death and I won't bore the readers who are returning to riding for another reason to death :-)

Overambitious

It's been quite a week. First our (actually my mom's) horse jumped out of the arena and ran down the road, then, the next day, my dog jumped the fence and ran down the road—luckily he came when I called, then, last night, I discovered why canning pickles is a really bad idea—somehow I dropped the pot of boiling pickle juice, scalded my leg, slipped on the liquid and fell rather dramatically, and somehow jammed my toenail into my toe hard enough to make it bleed. Oh, and finally, about an hour after my parents left for their cottage, I realized that I had never had them drive me to the pharmacy to pick up one of my prescriptions that runs out tomorrow. It's annoying, just when I start to feel confident about my recovery, I am quickly reminded of my limitations—ignorance IS bliss,

Failed Resolutions & Reclaiming Dreams

So much for my resolution to post more consistently. Unfortunately, the more interesting my life gets, the less I think to post...

Catching up from my last post, I ended up keeping Ella near me. I was so devastated that my parents found a solution. It worked out perfectly! For the last month and a half I've been going out to the barn every Wednesday. At first, I worked with Ella's trainer's horse, then I got brave and started doing stuff with Ella. I haven't tried getting on yet, just grooming and groundwork, but it's done wonders for my progress in general. Returning to something that was such a part of my previous life has caused a drastic improvement in my confidence. My mom takes me and she has been wonderful with helping me maintain my balance when I'm around the horses. Ella has been a dream--part of my confidence has to do with being so comfortable with a horse who made me a bit nervous before the stroke. I can't wait to try sitting on her! At first I felt horrible that my parents had to take over paying for her, but it's given me such a drastic boost in progress, the guilt is mostly overshadowed.

This newfound confidence got me to give up my cane a month ago! Aside from my dog tripping me at the vet, it's been successful. I still need a rail or some sort of wall for going down stairs, and I prefer to walk within grabbing distance of someone, but the progress has been a relief. The PBBV really undermined me, and after moving from a wheelchair with neck support to a regular wheelchair to the walkers to a cane so quickly, it felt like I had been using a cane forever.

Matters have also been improved immensely from going on Provigil. I have enough trouble with fatigue now--I can't figure how I even functioned before it. I've been on 200 mg in the morning for about a month.

So all in all, things are going great! I think I've finally hit the stage of grieving where you are optimistic about the future!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone