Silver lining

I keep trying to find the silver lining of the stroke, but I have become more self centered than ever. I am completely flummoxed by the realization that other peoples' lives have gone on, whereas mine feels like it's ground to a halt.


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Stages of Grief

I realized that I'm going through the stages of grief for my old self and life. I finally left anger behind for depression. Next is the upward turn--I can't wait! Although, I kind of want the anger back; at least it was substance.


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Meltdown

I had a total meltdown at therapy last week: couldn't stop crying. I ended up having to take a Xanax because every time I would start to regain control, I would lose it again. I'm now taking half of one whenever I go out because between vertigo and overstimulation of social environments, my fear takes over and limits what I can do. I become terrified of falling and feel like I'm walking on the edge of panic. Although the vertigo from the bppv has been resolved, the fear lingers. Plus, I got so used to feeling like I'm falling every which way, that just compensating for the stroke vertigo and falling backwards takes more concentration again. I'm becoming a shut-in because going out is seeming so scary.



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Nightmare

I've been doing better later, depression-wise.However, today it went to hell. I felt positive when I woke up, but I think to vertigo finally cracked me. I'm so sick of trying to be strong and make the best of things. I just want to quit and give up. I feel like I'm backsliding badly because the vertigo makes me panic so badly that I get crippled by fear. I just want this nightmare to end!!!

welfare/medicaide

I had my welfare/medicaide interview Monday. I was super nervous, but it wasn't bad. However, my caseworker said I still had too much money saved: I could reapply when I got down to $1500.I was considerably upset, but I really got incredibly upset when I got my refusal letter. According the the letter, my application was denied because I claimed that no one in the house was unable to work due to disability. Um, since that's the whole reason I was applying, I'm pretty sure I never said that! Anyway, I have to call my caseworker and probably file for a state appeal. Wish me luck!

"That which does not kill you, makes you stronger"

Lately, I feel like steel that's being tempered. It turns out that I can handle more than I ever realized. Since the stroke, it seems like I'm seeing everyone clearly--not always such a pretty picture.

On a brighter note, I started writing down my experience. It's not as painful as I feared; it almost seems like it happened to someone else. It's caused me to remember more details as well.

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