Stigma

I never realized that pride is my fatal flaw, but even after all this, it still haunts me. The realization that I'm disabled haunts me. Going in public gives me a stomachache. Running into people unexpectedly gives me a panic attack. Oh, I force myself rongto go out, but every venture drives home how limited I am...

I crave love but question if I'm worth it. I feel broken and defective. Don't get me wrong--I'm so grateful for how far i've come--I just don't know how to let go of my past--the memories of what I used to do...

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Remembering

It's odd lately, but I've been remembering things from the very beginning. Most of it's just snippets of things said in front of me at the hospital, like that I was going to be paralyzed. Strangely, though, is the sudden memory of how much trouble I had breathing that day on the floor. I had remembered being afraid of asfixiating (sp),but I had forgotten not getting enough air and being convinced that I just needed to go to hospital to be given oxygen. It never even occurred to me that I was paralyzed and this was a big problem; lack of oxygen, perhaps? I'd also forgotten that my left eye wouldn't track or the pupil respond to light.


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Coping

Today I plan on finishing my disability application, so I'll try to include all the links I find helpful.

For support (especially when you can't drive):
Strokenet

Government programs (*shudder*--welfare and such)--most are specific to Ohio, but some general:
Apply for Disability Benefits - Adult (Age 18 or Over)
Medicaid
ODJFS Online | Ohio Medicaid
Ohio Department of Insurance
Overview COBRA Continuation of Coverage
Welfare Program
Social Security Online - Apply for Disability Benefits

Update

It occurs to me,since it's been so long since i've written, that I better catch this up. I'm down to monthly blood draws and am down to Coumadin, Atenelol, Buspar, and Warfarin. I'm walking alone at home and with a cane in public, although i did have a fall that resulted in a couple hematomas. I started aquatic therapy three times a week a couple of weeks ago and can't recommend it highly enough. Seriously, it's helping my stability so much. Um, I think that's the big stuff. Oh, and I made it through Ikea with just a walker a couple of days ago--just barely, but I was proud!


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Depression

I am fast discovering what was never mentioned--despite the fact you would think the initial trauma would the most depessing, it is now, when I am close to normal, but not normal, that I am most depressed. And to think, the doctor wanted to eliminate my anxiety meds--hell, no! I wanted more! The emotional lability is better, but the random crying jags in public are becoming a problem. What's scary is that I have so little control of them. Despite my family's supportiveness, I feel so horribly alone. Perhaps what threw me over the edge is filing for disability and welfare--I can't handle this uselessness. I want to drive again so badly, too, to get some self respect back, but my parents are leery because dizziness is still such a problem.

Basically, I'm reaching the point of depression where I'm wondering why I fought so hard to stat alive, and I don't know what to do.


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