Sacrificing dreams

I went to visit my horse at the trainer. She told me I need to really decide if I want to keep putting money into her because she'll never be predictable and reliable. This brought up too many emotions because with my balance s it is now, I don't know if I'll ever ride again. I've been riding since I was eight. However, if you told me to get on a horse right now, I'd say "hell, no." I mean yesterday I almost got stuck in hotel restroom because I was TERRIFIED to let go of the wall. I mean flat out panic. I'm scared to go anywhere without a cart to hang on to. I just don't know what to do. Board and training will run me around $12,000. If I had endless cash flow, it wouldn't be a problem: I would just wait it out and see. Not knowing how I'm going to end up is so frustrating. I just wan to know. I feel like my ex screwed me over, and then I'm the one that got screwed by life; how was that fair? He had quite a few drinks a day, which triples the risk of stroke. But I'm the one struck down by fate. I used to believe in karmic fate; not so much anymore.