It's been a doozie of a month--almost too much to process. The sixth marked one year since the stroke. I'm wracked with conflicting emotions: so much anger and bitterness with people who are so wrapped up in their own trials, and the feeling "wanna switch???," intense gratitude for how much I've regained, and horrible survivor's guilt. Some days the emotions are too equally divided and I don't know if I can handle it anymore. Apparently the first anniversary is the worst--I really hope so. I seem to be having a flashback to the anger stage of grieving. At the same time, though, I've been on my online stroke support forum quite frequently, which has made me aware of how lightly I got off in the long run, and what a miracle my recovery really has been--and not in the hyperbole sense. Of course, that triggers the survivor's guilt, and I feel so selfish for my anger. I realize that it's probably part of PTSD, but the guilt is a viscous cycle--I feel guilty for feeling traumatized, then that guilt triggers more depression, which makes me feel more angry/traumatized...
I'm ready for the stage of grieving where you start to feel positive about the future! Some days I feel like I'm getting there, but today is NOT one of those days...
I think that I'm going to write an entry once a week. I'm hoping that might help me work through the emotions a little better. If that doesn't work, I'm going to have to suck it up and start therapy.
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