Saying Goodbye

The third main drama of this month is actually tomorrow: I think I found someone to lease my horse and, if so, she’ll be leaving tomorrow. I know I’ve already vented about this, but I’m a wreck. I’m so relieved to find someone and get it resolved, but I’m so devastated by the reality. There is a part of me that sees it as the end of a dream and doesn’t believe that I’ll ever ride again. It won’t listen to logic, and I can’t seem to shove it out of my mind. I can’t even just brush her because my balance and response time is so bad. I love her but I have to send her away—otherwise it’s not fair to her and I flat-out can’t afford her. I just can’t bring myself to sell he, though—that would really be kissing riding goodbye. Riding has really been my life. For years, I dedicated myself to it, even since then it had been so integral and always part of my goals. I was willing to be patient; I got Ella as a yearling, four years ago, because I knew I could never afford a trained horse of her quality. I learned how to train horses and started a couple of horses because I dreamed of one day training a horse from the ground, up. How could fat be this cruel??? I always believed in karmic balance and that everything happens for a reason. I can even, sort of, most days cram the stroke into that philosophy—but this I just can’t see—four years of waiting and over ten years of preparation and I have the stroke the summer that I’m going to start riding her! If someone could just tell me for sure, “of course you’ll ride again,” I think I could stick it out…