SSI Psych Eval

Wednesday was my psych evaluation for Social Security. It wasn't nearly as bad as I feared. There were two parts that took 1.5 hours together. First I was asked questions that were pretty much the same as one of the forms, with just more detail and follow-up questions—no big deal. The second were cognitive tests (verbal): i.q./critical thinking, recall, etc. I thought the second half was really fun actually I'm thinking that this has to be the last step in the determination process, so I'm nervously awaiting my letter. I really hope I don't have to through appeals—I need money to live on NOW, not three years from now, when I hopefully will be able to work again

(Sorry about the emoticon surplus—I just figured out how to insert them)

I'm still having more trouble with depression, although it's not quite as bad as it was. I've been super tired lately—even with the Provigil. But I forgot the Provigil one day and it was definitely worse! I'm also starting to have problems with my knees—I've got to start doing the bike again to strengthen the muscles around the knee. I think it has to do with the muscles not stabilizing the joint well enough, so they kind of twist and overextend when I walk, which of course makes them sore. My theory Of course, losing weight wouldn't hurt... But my philosophy at the moment is that life sucks enough—I'm NOT going to diet.

I went to the doctor again yesterday (I go every 2-4 weeks). I asked him for a referral to an ENT specialist. Back when I was still in speech therapy, I had trouble with nasality, because the soft palate was paralyzed (that's the VERY simplified version). My speech therapist said to give it a year, and, if it hadn't resolved, see an ENT. It's a lot better, but I still have trouble closing my nose from my mouth—trouble blowing my nose, liquid coming up my nose, choking when I lay on my back—my voice also goes really nasal, if I get emotional. My gp said the hard palate isn't working right either—I couldn't say "Ahh." I'm kind of excited to see a specialist because it would be so wonderful if he could help—the nasality thing has driven me nuts since I learned speaking. Apparently, it's also related to choking when I swallow—I would be so relieved if we could get rid of that!

Mirror Therapy

My left arm and hand were the last to regain movement—my right arm and hand were light years ahead—my left wouldn't really do anything. For quite awhile I was pretty sure that it would end up being permanent paralysis—that left hand was WAY behind. What finally seemed to do the trick—maybe it was just coincidence, but I wouldn' discount it—was mirror therapy. My mom read about it in one of her million stroke books, and we figured it was worth a shot—it couldn't make anything worse! I did 1-2 15 minute sessions every day (missing a few here and there). I did this independently—I also had an hour of occupational therapy twice a week.

In about two weeks, my hand suddenly woke up. Odd choice of words, maybe—but that's exactly what it felt like. I had some minor progress along the way, but one day it was like my hand just remembered what it was supposed to do.

I just used a mirror about the size of a sheet of ledger paper that was held vertical by wooden "legs." There are mirror boxes available, but the therapy doesn't really require anything that fancy; although, they probably make it easier to block your view of the paralyzed hand. I would imagine that mirror therapy also works for legs.

There is no need for any special exercises—you just  run through your usual dexterity exercises with both hands, but with only the good hand and it's reflection in sight. Somehow this tricks your brain into thinking that the movements you are telling it to do (even though you can't do them, it's important to try) are looking like those done by your good hand. At least that is how I understood it! Ironically enough, despite their lingering uselessness, my left arm and hand gained strength more quickly than the right arm and hand later.

Article about the effectiveness of mirror therapy

The Test of Time: Stroke Recovery | Heart Health Supplements | The Leading Resource on Maintaining a Healthy Heart

Stroke: Challenges, Progress, and Promise

Overwhelmed

Some days it's all just too much to handle. I'm not this strong. Some days I wonder why did I survive? I avoid thinking about the past and I will not plan for the future. This moment is all I can handle, at that not so well at the moment. It drives people crazy that I have no future plans; in the early spring, I had no idea what I wanted to do in the summer. I don't know how to explain—I know EXACTLY what I what to do, but it's rife with impossibility. If I think about it and the limitations, I will completely fall apart. I am so frustrated; I can't even keep up with life. Maybe I would be better in some kind of assisted living. My parents help, so it's not really living alone, but they have to maintain their own lives as well.   The thought of how dependent I rally am makes me want to throw up. I can only deal with it if I don't think about it, and some days the thoughts and memories cross my mind no matter how far I try to shove them back. I just so tired of trying to be strong. Of trying to wake up every day with a positive outlook. I love what I have in my life, but that doesn't lessen the awareness of and grief over what I lost. Is it worth it? I need to find out the process to write a living will. I never want to do this again. I'm glad I didn't have one then, but I'm terrified of not having one now.

I don't know what's up—I have these really depressed days every once in awhile, but this has been almost four days! I go for my psych eval for SSI/Disability on Friday—maybe the psychiatrist can help. Although, I think the focus is on being an evaluative session. Still, just talking about it will probably help.

I had dreams about doing stuff last night, too—that always leaves me feeling a little unbalanced. They're odd dreams, because the focus on something simple and short. Basically, they are me doing whatever it is that I'm having trouble doing in real life. For instance, last night I dreamed about mounting a horse. I guess it's subconscious visualization—in any case, it's kind of upsetting when I remember it in the morning, because it was so easy in the dream and it isn't in real life. Kind of like when I was bedridden and I would think I could just stand up.

I'm determined that today will be a better day.

One of Those Days

It's one of those days. I usually manage to not think of the past, but once in awhile I just have one of those days where it comes crashing down around me and I'm swamped by awareness of then versus now. There are so many things I need to do, but I just want to go hide under my covers.

• • •

I ended up cooking (between naps) most of the day. Staying busy really is the way to go. When those moods hit, it is best to keep my mind occupied with simple processes. If I think too hard, that can be a bad thing, but not thinking at all is a definite disaster. Mundane tasks really are the ideal coping mechanism.

Friends—Weeding Out

I know, I know, I keep harping on about this, but the shallowness of friendships and people in general never ceases to amaze me. If you aren't going to stick with someone through Hell, why bother being his/her friend? Or pretending to be.

I checked on the stroke support forum I visit—this is pretty much universal.

Just had to get that off my chest. Victim or caretaker—both get to deal with this drama. People who have never experienced a true trauma, just don't really stick it out. There are a few rare exceptions—thank goodness for them. Lots of people support you during the actual trauma, but it's the one's who endure through the long haul and fallout who are really worth calling friend. I'm not feeling very charitable toward the rest of them at the moment. @#$% them.